Silicon Valley: WTF is it? And what to do when they show up in your town

By: Ali Benz

What is Silicon Valley? Why is it a Silicon Valley and why is it showing up in my town? I’m honestly not too sure what this is, but I will try to break it down and provide preventive measures. We need to know the signs and stay vigilant. Aside from your old friend Derrick who went to Cornell and has made Bitcoin a personality trait, what do we really know about a valley like this?

From minimal research, I discovered it’s called Silicon Valley because it refers to the hub in Santa Clara in Northern California where they use semiconductors made from silicon for microprocessors (whatever the fuck that means). This is a place where Sili boyz (do they call themselves that?) and Sili girls go to form their tech startups since they are in close proximity to cheap computer chip materials and cheap land. Basically, this is a place where tech junkies go to form their ~edgy~ startups and their cute little apps. I assume it’s the same people that sit on Xbox all day and scream at each other. The only X I want to box is the guy who got me permanently banned from Uber. #Tragic

So, can a Silicon Valley pop up anywhere? Even on my chest? Great question. Apparently so! It seems these conies have gone AWOL. They now show up anywhere and deem it the new Silicon Valley. It’s actually genius. Recently it seems a bunch of techies paused Fortnite, showed up in Miami, and decided it was the new Sili V. I can’t imagine the look on Pitbull’s face when a bunch of venture capitalists dressed in sequin showed up to his city and called it a hub. No, Mr. 305 does not want to fund your stem cell research.

It might look fun to have the startup geeks raid your town but you must beware: Know your rights. If a guy tells you to download his new app you are allowed to say no. Legally, they cannot make you download anything. Even if they get romantic and say it’s in Beta mode and you’ll be one of the first users, do NOT fall for it. You are just a number. Save the space on your phone for something useful like DoorDash.

Think dating a conie might be fun? Think again! Their money is tied up in crypto. Have fun ordering a virtual martini. Do not mansplain NFTs to me. I will forever pretend to know what that is to protect my soul. We’re so vulnerable these days. Sili boyz don’t need to find love because they have an avatar waiting for them in the metaverse. Try competing with a customized pixel. Talk about unattainable body image.

I might sound angry but I’m really not. I’m actually excited for my town to become “The Next Silicon Valley.” My new favorite thing to do is refer to wherever I am as the next SV and see what people say. Usually they hop on board and I’m able to turn any town into a valley. The conies act fast. Either way, now you know the signs. Stay safe, educate yourself, and if you hear the word “blockchain” run for the hills.

Beginner’s Guide to Spirituality

By: Ali Benz

You don’t need to take Peyote with your favorite Shaman to be spiritual. Why does it seem like everyone’s doctor suddenly has them “micro-dosing”? Party drugs, but make it medical. My therapist was just telling me about how amazing her ketamine retreat was and I was shocked. I just couldn’t believe she and my roommate were both on ketamine retreats the same weekend, except one was at EDC Orlando and the other was in the Catskills. For legal reasons, this is a joke. The point is, you don’t need drugs or a near-death experience to have a spiritual awakening. It can be as simple as looking inside yourself, meditating, or just being in nature. I know I sound like some hippie, but I’m telling you, it’s life-changing.

We need to stop looking for connections on the surface level. If I see one more guy on Hinge saying the biggest risk they’ve taken is moving to Florida from NYC, I’m calling the cops. Wow, you’re so brave, Jonathan. Don’t tell me you love going to the gym and crypto, too. It’s fine if that’s what you’re into, I just want something more meaningful. It’s easy to ignore the red flags like if a guy tells you he’s “developing an app.” Don’t be shy, just say you’re unemployed. We have enough apps. Like Tik Tok, where you might find yourself dancing—which can actually be a very spiritual practice. Dancing and movement are major expressions of connection—unless you’re my little cousin.  I saw him doing a cringe dance on Tik Tok and had to throw him a “like” for charity. He’ll be in prison or viral soon but that’s for God to decide.

If you don’t think you’re spiritual, think about how you pray to Santa every year (at least that’s how I think it works – I’m still Jewish). Mr. Claus is your higher power, and your wish list is a vision board. Without even realizing, you pretty much manifest what you want via Big Nick and the universe. If you’re naughty, it’s likely your chakras are not aligned—or you’re a Scorpio. Good luck with your coal, moonchild.

No matter your religion, the holidays are a great time to practice spirituality. For example, I’ve been praying that my mom would get me a new car for Hanukkah, but all I got was a mug. I guess all she had this year was the audacity. Tragic.

Still, with so much chaos in the world, sometimes our only hope is to have some faith. I miss that phase one era of COVID where everyone’s coping skills were reduced to watching Tiger King and buying toilet paper. My dog is now uncomfortably codependent on me (and me on her) but we’re working through it. It was this time last year that no one was sure (and everyone was hoping) that they wouldn’t see their families for the holidays. I could only buy gifts because I was ballin’ off the unemployment checks and living rent-free at my dad’s house. Now everyone has bills and stuff, but luckily, I’m not materialistic. All I really want for Hanukkah is some serotonin. That only counts for one night, though. The other seven better be designer.

Also, this year Grandma better not try to pull a fast one on me by giving me a card with no cash in it—might as well save the tree. I haven’t been that disappointed since my Bumble date showed up in those flip-flops with the built-in bottle opener. Take your Reefs elsewhere, buddy, I’m not falling for it. My third eye will protect me from men in sandals. Can’t Santa just send me a financially stable man who’s spiritual and has abs and wears close-toed shoes? Is that too much to ask? I will continue to man-ifest. Pun intended.

ESB: Emotional Support Boyfriend

By: Ali Benz

We’ve now made it to Thanksgiving and I hate to break it to you, but if you haven’t secured a bf/gf by now, it’s safe to say you are single for the holidays. Times up. That’s not necessarily a bad thing, it just means you have no excuse when you return to your hometown and that one kid from high school hits you up on Facebook messenger and asks if you want to play beer pong in his stepmom’s basement.  Also, you are guaranteed the couch while your wifed-up siblings are blessed with whatever childhood bedroom wasn’t turned into an office/gym.

If you did snag a companion before December, you could be playing a dangerous game. After 2020, it seems that everyone’s type is the same: an emotional support boyfriend that will temporarily cure your seasonal depression and follow you around like a lost puppy. It’s kind of genius, and way cheaper than therapy.

Kim Kardashian is a prime example. She recently got divorced from Kanye West and was heading into holiday season stag—but not so fast! Pete Davidson saved the day. The scruffy, loveable SNL star has become Kim K’s best accessory. Who would’ve thought such an established lawyer would need this reinforcement? After a very public breakup and the constant stress of balancing nude photoshoots with litigation, she needed to get herself a Pete. He is the perfect combo of musty and precious. He’s just like my service dog, Lola, who only bathes every couple of weeks and walks outside barefoot but gets to sleep in the bed because she’s cute and makes me smile.

The Law Offices of Kim Kardashian-West were not the first to discover an ESB. Big sis Kourtney Kardashian paved the way when she latched onto America’s bad boy Travis Barker. Not sure if he’s really a “bad boy” I just don’t know anything about this vampire-drummer specifically because the year is no longer 2006. Unfortunately, the stress of being North West’s aunt and running Poosh has taken a toll on the firstborn. Somebody check on Rob. Kourt found the perfect emotional support boyfriend to lean on in these hard times. She adopted her own personal little drummer boy to bring home for the holidays and coddle her while Caitlyn discusses her stance on gay marriage over a Christmas ham. Tragic.

As for me, I’m still in the market for an ESB of my own. It might be too late, so I’m willing to be someone’s ESG—as long as their family makes good food and lives in a tropical location. Especially if that Omicron variant is creeping in. Time to get that booster shot and cozy up with someone unstable. It’s that or listen to a ten-minute Taylor Swift song while crying about your ex and cyber-bullying Jake Gyllenhal. Did anyone ever find that scarf? Could be used as a nice mask against Omicron (Taylor’s Version).

You’re trapped inside your phone

Ok so everyone watched The Social Dilemma on Netflix, and then everyone immediately posted on social media. Ya’ll are the dilemma. That’s how messed up our world is. Everyone was so passionate about this documentary that they did the one thing it told us not to do. Put down your damn phone. Social media owns us.

I miss the old days when the only forms of communication were the home phone and Chatroulette. At least the nice people of Chatroulette didn’t steal your information—they just left you with a slight trauma after seeing your first Russian half-chub. Tragic. Now every app has built-in filters that make thirteen-year-olds look like Angelina Jolie in Maleficent. Yeah, Maleficent is a ten, but those cheekbones are not realistic! Thanks, Walt.

I can’t even begin to imagine what Gen Z goes through—terrorized from all angles and platforms at such a young age. I thought it was the end of the world when someone called me “flat” in 7^th grade on Formspring. Then, someone wrote that I stuffed my bra but I literally only stuffed my bra because someone called me flat! I’ll admit though it was bad strategy on my end because I went straight to a C-cup when a subtle B might’ve been more discrete. My point is, if that one stupid comment made me feel like I needed to change my body, imagine how much damage could be done on a global scale?

It’s as if social media was created for bullying –a place where you can judge people from the comfort of your own home. Major companies are capitalizing off of your bitterness. You salty tweens are fueling this economy. It’s every age, though. Even you, boomer. But even if you think you’re not being controlled by social media, you’re still being monitored every time you log on. Especially now with everyone working and learning from home. The screens are even more accessible than ever as we scroll aimlessly, ad after ad, like after like.

Every five minutes, a new gender neutral, vegan Gen Z is doing the seductive Macarena and thrusting to a song about sex, drugs and gang violence before they log in for AP English. I thought it was risqué when my friends and I did a provocative dance to a Nelly song in the middle school talent show. Think again, sweetie. It’s going to take more than a premature body roll to get this generation going.

I don’t see social media leaving anytime soon. How else would we post a pic of brunch or be notified when Kanye West tweets that he’s the next Moses?! And what about the exhilarating rush from getting a creepy DM from a man overseas? It’s just not the same when you slide into my iMessage.

The only solution is to all simultaneously throw our phones in the river. Which river, I don’t care, just make sure you get a boomerang of me tossing it from a skinny angle, preferably with the G6 filter and max brightness.  

Moral of the story, social media can be toxic, and we need to chill and get a hobby or something. Maybe people will even like you in real life. Probably not, but at least you tried. If you need to reach me, you can find me on LinkedIn. Just don’t @ me on Formspring. I’m still not ok.  

Real Housewives of the RNC: A Convention Recap Just For You

By: Ali Benz

The 2020 Republican National Convention was quite the show. I kept thinking I was watching interviews from Real Housewives of Beverly Hills but turns out it was just C-Span. There’s a lot to unravel here but keep reading if you want to ruin your day.

Let’s kick it off with Cissie Graham Lynch. Yikes. With a name like that, dare I even say more? She looks exactly like my American girl doll, Amanda, except luckily Amanda doesn’t speak. Cissie, on the other hand, knew all the right things to say to make the LGBTQ community hate her. Congrats, Lynch, you played yourself. This robot lady went on about how Democrats pressured boys to use girls’ locker rooms and participate in girls’ sports. She then said the Dems will force us to choose between God and Caesar. Tough choice. Both great guys.

Don’t get me started on Abby Johnson. I didn’t think someone could top Cissie Graham, but Johnson was out for blood. Literally. This anti-abortion activist came in hot. Abby J called Planned Parenthood racist and then went on to say abortion has a smell. She told her dramatic conversion story but all I could think about was the scent of abortion. No offense, Abz, but doesn’t everything have a smell? I’m sure you have a smell. Unless you have corona—then you can’t taste or smell. Wear a mask.

How much molly did Kimberly Guilfoyle take before her speech? She legit did not blink once. Kimmy’s passionate screaming could win championships. All I could think about was how Saturday Night Live’s Cecily Strong could’ve single-handedly created this character. When Guilfoyle started chanting, “The best is yet to come,” I got major Hunger Games vibes. Somebody is going to die. I’m scared, Kim. Drink some water, please. I hope her come-down isn’t too bad today.

Maybe Nick Sandmann brought her some drugs from his frat. Good thing schools are cancelled so this boy could show up to speak about cancel culture. Yes, being cancelled is toxic, but so is being brainwashed. I feel bad for this guy. All he has is his MAGA hat to hide from his haters. It’s going to be a rough few years, buddy. Maybe Tiffany Trump will at least take you to the Bahamas for spring break.

Tiff seemed like she just stumbled off a yacht blackout in the Hamptons to get some screen time. She was giving me Marilyn Monroe meets Lindsay Lohan vibes—and I mean that in the scariest way possible. She was wearing more eyeshadow than a middle school girl that just discovered Sephora with her dad’s credit card. Don’t you people have stylists? Anyway, Tiff, congrats on somehow blackmailing Ivanka into giving you her spot at the podium. Way to make Daddy proud. Maybe you won’t have to make an OnlyFans account after all.

Quick shout out to Mike Pence against various green screens. Mike, you handsome devil, what on earth did I just witness? All those expensive testimonials, couldn’t you at least have pretended to be interested? Also, stop referring to Lincoln’s house as his “boyhood home.” Just call it his childhood home, Mike, you’re freaking me out.

Not as freaked out as Donald must’ve been, though, when poor Eric got to the mic. Jesus, Eric, couldn’t you have just put it in a letter? Don neglects his son so much that he had to use his time as a cry for help, screaming to his dad through national television. Tragic. Can someone just give this man a hug?

Melania? Is that you? After Eric begged for Daddy’s approval for twenty minutes, Big Mel closed out the show. Honestly, Melania’s speech was the most natural and educated and that’s saying a lot. She even touched on the dangers of COVID-19. Her “Be Best” campaign has done nothing for me, but I’ve got to give this lady some credit. She came out looking military chic and didn’t miss a beat. She was being best af.

I’m not sure what I just watched or how to feel. I was happy to see all those women being honored and praised in the White House, but they seemed like something programmed out of Westworld. Can someone call Barron? We need answers. I cannot wait for Barron’s tell all to come out. For now, swipe up for ten percent off Melania’s Alexander McQueen drip and subscribe to Tiffany Trump’s GoFundMe for a makeup artist that doesn’t hate her.

The COVID: Total Madness

By: Ali Benz

This is not a drill. The rules of COVID apply. Play carefully. You are now living in an alternate reality. Nothing is the same and you will survive only if you follow the rules. This is season of the Rona, and you are Player One. Mask on, six feet, never touch your face. Play at your own risk.

You are automatically in the game so it’s time to isolate and adapt. Great time to be a nun, horrible time to be a swinger. A guy literally sent me his Corona test results to get me to hangout. Huge red flag but also is this the new equivalent to STD tests? Proving you’re clean? Thanks, buddy, I’m glad you’re negative for COVID but I’m sure you’re positive for something else. Anyone trying to hookup in these conditions is clearly unwell. Hate to break it to you but you’re not meeting your wife on Tinder today. Stay home.

I know, easier said than done. It’s nearly impossible to stay locked up with your family or roommates. I got in a fight with my dad last night because the avocados weren’t organic. We’re currently still not speaking. I know I overreacted but I fought so hard for those avocados it would be too awkward to back down now. We’ll probably speak once he catches me watching reality TV again and threatens to cancel the cable. Or worse, catches me making a Tik Tok, which is essentially just slutty sign-language. The deaf community should come for Addison Rae.

It would really suck to lose TV considering how many great shows are out right now. Listen to Your Heart? Oscar-worthy. The Challenge? Tear-jerker. So great to see TJ Lavin is still employed and I’m not. Do reality TV stars collect unemployment? I’ve been trying to collect mine for weeks and still can’t get in touch with the New York Government. Andrew Cuomo is too busy being cute AF to call me back. I get playing hard to get but like I need my money, Drew.

Not sure why they make it so hard to get paid. I just want enough money to buy a trendy face mask from a local rather than getting scammed by hippies on Etsy. I should’ve known ten masks for five dollars from someone named “Wild Flower” in New Zealand was too good to be true. That wasn’t my best move but at least I’m not taking shots of Lysol to stay pure. I actually love the mask look—super theft-chic and the narrow design does wonders for my jawline. My only complaint is the subtle mask-tan and some minor chin acne.

To be honest, I’m not ready for the Q to end. Don’t kill me for saying this, but I find it quite relaxing and I’m super busy. I don’t know where the time goes. It’s amazing we are living through a pandemic, and although it’s scary and your life is actually tragic, things will get better. For now, enjoy the time to yourself and the time at home. Give yourself a break. And remember, liquor stores are considered “essential” so there’s really no reason to complain.

 

The Corona Files

By: Ali Benz

If you get offended easily, this post isn’t for you. If you’re getting bored painting your nails quarantine red and sending pandemic nudes from your parents’ basement, carry on. COVID-19 is upon us and we need some comic relief during these dark times. Everybody copes differently. Some are blacking out with their cats while others are going ape-shit in a Costco. You decide who you want to be.

While we’re all on lockdown, it’s easy to forget what day or year it is. My oven clock is still wrong from day-light savings so I really have no idea. All I know is there are only a few rules for quarantine: calories don’t count, drinking doesn’t stop, and you can sleep with your socks on. It’s a different world.

I used to think that Corona was spread by the government to shut down the rave community. Every music festival has been canceled so that 12,000 wooks can’t share one camelback and clean themselves with their bucket hats. It was always dangerous, but the spread of a virus was the only way to get the bassheads’ attention.

After doing more research, I realized this conspiracy might not be true. It’s bigger than the rave. This virus was set out to conquer a whole generation. Perhaps millennials and Gen-Z are that terrible that we needed to be wiped out completely. The lord saw the future and it didn’t look good. It was all Tik Tok dances, vegan options, and a mediocre album by Justin Bieber. Of course the world was going to end. Or it’s just a test.

Everyone wanted to work from home so badly, and now it’s happening. Most people are forced to work remotely until further notice and I find it hilarious. Someone is currently auditing your taxes wearing a crop-top and drinking a Truly. A professor is virtually teaching a slew of degenerates that mute their screens to take bong rips.

Sadly, not everyone can work from home. If you work in the service industry, say goodbye to your paycheck. Waiters might actually have to become good actors now since they’re cut off from serving sangria at your local Olive Garden while “in-between gigs.” Tragic.

On the other hand, this is a fitness instructor’s dream. My whole newsfeed is just shirtless people working out in their basements and giving me unsolicited advice. Stop telling me to use a banana as a dumbbell. Gyms are closed for a reason: The government wants us to get thicc.

It’s great that coaches can virtually train, but it’s even greater that my therapist can virtually counsel. Now, I can show my therapist my childhood home and the people I’ve been complaining about for months! I bet this will speed up the process and I can even live stream my quarantine so she can fully assess the situation and take my side.

Don’t worry about how you’re handling it all. Everyone pandemics differently. Just be mindful of others. Stay inside. I know you’re freaking out that Coachella is canceled, but honestly, it’s not even cool anymore. Save your money and party through your phone. There’s nothing more fun than taking a shot with your friend across the globe at 2pm on a Wednesday in pajamas.

COVID Makes Cancelling Plans Fun and Easy

By: Ali Benz

If you’re worried about the Coronavirus, you’ve come to the right place. I know it’s an epidemic but we need to look on the bright side. It couldn’t have come at a better time. I have so many plans that I didn’t know how to cancel and now I can literally just chill. This disease is perfect for social anxiety. Sorry I can’t come to your bachelorette, Lindsay, I really need to put my health first.

Corona V is the perfect excuse. You can finally say no without the guilt. Now, when someone asks, “Can I hit your Juul?”, you can say ‘absolutely not’. Not because you’re a dick: you’re just super cautious. Duh. The girls from the Bachelor should’ve taken this advice. I don’t know how any of them are safe after Peter spent the whole season making out with everyone. Pilot Pete could spread that sh*t like wildfire. It’s best to date the Love is Blind way; through a safety-pod with an open bar and zero human contact. That show is psychotic but Nick Lachey is a toxic, romantic genius.

I’m also worried about the kids on mat. If you watch Cheer, you know the Navarro cheerleaders are relentless and there is nothing that can stop them from tumbling. Broken ribs, twisted ankles, Coronavirus? No problem. We have to make it to Daytona. Jerry’s mat-talk is the only thing that can overcome this disease. We can. We will. We must.

I’m dying to know how Coach Monica would handle COVID. Probably with an ice pack and a prayer. My immune system is trash so I’d probably need to be quarantined. Hazmat, but make it fashion. I have to be extremely cautious. My boss said I’m out of sick days for 2020. It’s March. I don’t know if I deserve a medal or a doctor.  It’s obviously impressive but also concerning. I can’t be as careless as I once was. Trust no one. I ordered Girl Scout Cookies but there’s no way I’m accepting. Never trust a G-scout. You will not be earning your Corona badge from me. Unless it’s samoas. Risk it all for samoas.

While I do advise avoiding dangerous Girl Scouts, there are some people you have to see. I had a friend from LA visit me in New York because she wanted to “experience Jaywalking”—because that’s all we do here. We hit the Jay no doubt but that didn’t help the fact that I let someone from NEWARK into my Corona-free zone. Yikes. Luckily, she’s an astrology-queen and told me that Mercury is in retrograde and water elements are getting affected the hardest because it’s in the water sign of Pisces but will be done by next week! So, I guess we’re going to be fine? To anyone I’ve wronged recently, please note that Pisces is in the water or whatever and I’m a cancer so please be understanding at this time. LA people are just the best.

If you’re still panicking about Coronavirus even after my comforting article, I totally get it. But, have you tried CBD? Just kidding. I don’t know the cure but we’re all in this together. They said it best in High School Musical 3. This too shall pass, so don’t let it get you down. Just make sure to never high-five your co-workers. Ever. And wash your damn hands. I’ll leave you with a tip a wise woman once told me. You must wash your hands for twenty seconds. Use the Happy Birthday song for proper timing. However, the typical HBD tune can get boring so it’s suggested to use the Stevie Wonder version. Please note, Stevie’s Motown version is only seventeen seconds so it is highly recommended to count it down with a spunky “3,2,1” with the water running to be considered effective, and jazzy, by the CDC.

 

 

New Year New Me

By: Ali Benz

New year new me. It’s resolution time. I just did a 2-week social media cleanse and wow, it was nice. I had so much freedom. I literally had no idea what was going on or where anyone was and it was amazing. A bunch of people couldn’t get in touch with me and that was the best part. Who knew so many people slide into my DMs that don’t even have my number. I had zero fomo. This is the life that I want.

Without IG, you never feel pressured to do anything. You don’t have to see your friends’ three-hour-long story of a DJ Khaled concert and think “what if.” You don’t have to watch a promo for Kylie Cosmetics. You’ll never know whose bachelorette party you didn’t get invited to. And you’ll never wake up in the middle of the night in a panic wondering what cringe-worthy content you posted at 2 am on your story. That was probably the biggest revelation for me. I’m used to deleting everything and then having anxiety for the next twelve hours, but no ‘gram equals no posts. You can finally rest knowing you didn’t post yourself serenading your Uber driver to Taylor Swift as you beg him to get you a McChicken.

It means no worries. However, it does mean sketchy af. After an event last week, a few people asked for my Insta upon leaving. When I said I didn’t have one they def thought I was a murderer. Then I started to think I was one, too, because who tf doesn’t have Instagram? That’s why I’m back on here. People without social media usually have something to hide. There’s nothing sketchier than someone in a job interview who doesn’t have Facebook. Yes, Facebook is wack af and tailored to your stalker aunt but it is a necessity. Group projects? Facebook. Background check? Facebook. Making sure the intern you just hired that only owns a Nokia won’t steal your HD scanner? Facebook! If you don’t have social, odds are you’re Joe from You.

Not to mention, you become extremely alienated. I knew none of the current memes and I had to hear from an outside source that Justin Bieber has pink hair. I should’ve been the first to know. Also, I thought Millie Bobby Brown was Halsey, but that’s another discussion. Honestly, none of this celeb stuff should matter but we have to stay on top of the hot gossip or else we’ll die at work. Selena Gomez put out a fire album and I need to like all her sh*t to make up for hating on her for the past ten years. She’s absolutely killing it and we stan. Her ex, Biebz, tried to outshine her album drop with his Lyme disease but we’re not going to let that happen. Sel legit had a kidney transplant—his tick bite can wait. Not belittling his disease, I know Lyme is awful but for real I need to meet the tick that bit Justin. That lil guy has some serious BDE.

I probably will never find that parasite, but be mindful that other parasites will find you. I deleted Instagram, as I’ve now mentioned six times, but there are other platforms and you need to be cautious. Without IG, I found myself posting on Twitter, because, duh. It’s in these moments that you realize just how psycho your ex is. I barely knew I had a Twitter account, but this stalker was one step ahead of me and seeing everything I tweeted in real-time. I’m flattered you’re so obsessed with me, but seriously Twitter should be a safe space. I never thought I’d have to block someone on an app that tells me my horoscope.

With Twitter unsafe, I finally downloaded Tik Tok. I said I never would but desperate times call for desperate measures and now I have so many questions. Is this app designed specifically for teenage girls to dance to trap music after they’re done with homework? I respect the creative freedom but wow, when I was in middle school, I was hardly able to learn the Cotton Eye Joe. The Cotton Eye J was way too controversial. Now, these people are body-rolling to Doja Cat. I barely know what a Doja Cat is and I feel old. This app made me sad and now I’m having a mid-life crisis. I’ll get back to that later—I need to learn the Renegade dance so my sixteen-year-old cousin will still think I’m cool.

All in all, social media is quite toxic, but in this society, it’s inevitable. We need apps to stay relevant. Plus, I miss all the paradoxes of Instagram, like when bottle girls have “RN” in their bio. No way I’d let anyone from Marquee put a needle in my arm, but I think it’s unique how you describe yourself as a nurse meanwhile your first ten pics consist of champagne showers and an ice luge. I also take pride in knowing I’m blocked by Bart Johnson. That’s Troy Bolton’s dad from High School Musical. So much clout. Sorry for bothering you, Barty J. We’re just dying for a spin-off

Enjoy your social media breaks while they last. It’s super refreshing and isolating. Just don’t post on your story that you’re doing an “Instagram Cleanse” and will be back soon because that’s obnoxious. You’re not Demi Lovato. No one is wondering where you are besides your mom and that one foreign guy in your DMs that keeps asking you to “send bobz.” Tragic.

 

Christmas Time in the City!

By: Ali Benz

It’s that time of year again. Time to get controversial. With the holidays coming up, everyone is high stress and loves any opportunity to complain. Everything is magical but this is New York—aka we need to be angry. It’s a perfect time to donate to the Salvation Army then immediately kick someone in the face. An amazing day to feed the homeless then cause a scene in a Popeye’s. Too soon?

The holidays are wonderful. I can’t tell if I’m seasonally depressed or clinically confused. All I know is that this Macy’s is beautiful. I want to spend every day in the Christmas Macy’s. Normally, I would need at least three Xanax to enter a department store, but not today. Today I am free and I will buy a faux fur on sale in the wrong size while listening to Michael Bublé serenade me as I try to locate a cash register in the Calvin Klein section. It will turn out to be returns-only and they won’t help me at the perfume counter but my spirits will remain high because the salvation army man is still dancing.

If you missed Black Friday because this is 2019 and you own a computer, fear not. Cyber Monday is just around the corner. If you missed Cyber Monday because today is Thursday, fear not as well. Every day is a cyber one with Amazon Prime. Instead of feeling pressured to buy your dog the perfect winter scarf that screams sexy yet elegant, just wait. The internet doesn’t sleep. Also, don’t cut corners with your pet. If you love your Schnoodle you’ll pay full price. Never settle for burgundy because they don’t have it in jet-black.

Fashion dominates the market this time of year, but we get riled up over the simple things as well. Starbucks has happy hour but we don’t care about that because their cups are so controversial. ‘Tis the season to freak out over a coffee mug. Oh, it’s red? Absolutely not. This establishment is racist. I’ll still take that tall blonde skinny vanilla latte though, thanks. I think the issue is that all this holiday cheer gives people a false sense of security. We suddenly think we’re invincible because there’s a wreath on the doorknob. I don’t get it. If plant-decor could make one feel so powerful, then why hasn’t my ficus been working? Someone please look into this.

Maybe there’s something in the air. Whatever it is, I keep catching it. I think I’ve been on antibiotics since September. Not a good look. I see my doctor so much she invited me to her Hanukkah for night three. It’s a bad month to be on medication. With all the holiday parties and such, I don’t get why they keep prescribing me things that say “don’t mix with alcohol.” I mean, could you be more specific? What else am I going to mix this with? Someone please let me know the wine pairing for Amoxicillin.

Cheers to making it through this holiday season. Make sure they put a Menorah up in your workplace because the tree is so banal. Hit up an ex to go ice-skating even though you hate sports. Buy your mom a Rumba so she can multi-task during hot yoga. And if your older cousin invites you to Ann Taylor Loft, remember that it’s not a secret rave in Brooklyn. It’s a literal clothing store from like, the 60’s. Tragic.