By: Ali Benz
If you’re worried about the Coronavirus, you’ve come to the right place. I know it’s an epidemic but we need to look on the bright side. It couldn’t have come at a better time. I have so many plans that I didn’t know how to cancel and now I can literally just chill. This disease is perfect for social anxiety. Sorry I can’t come to your bachelorette, Lindsay, I really need to put my health first.
Corona V is the perfect excuse. You can finally say no without the guilt. Now, when someone asks, “Can I hit your Juul?”, you can say ‘absolutely not’. Not because you’re a dick: you’re just super cautious. Duh. The girls from the Bachelor should’ve taken this advice. I don’t know how any of them are safe after Peter spent the whole season making out with everyone. Pilot Pete could spread that sh*t like wildfire. It’s best to date the Love is Blind way; through a safety-pod with an open bar and zero human contact. That show is psychotic but Nick Lachey is a toxic, romantic genius.
I’m also worried about the kids on mat. If you watch Cheer, you know the Navarro cheerleaders are relentless and there is nothing that can stop them from tumbling. Broken ribs, twisted ankles, Coronavirus? No problem. We have to make it to Daytona. Jerry’s mat-talk is the only thing that can overcome this disease. We can. We will. We must.
I’m dying to know how Coach Monica would handle COVID. Probably with an ice pack and a prayer. My immune system is trash so I’d probably need to be quarantined. Hazmat, but make it fashion. I have to be extremely cautious. My boss said I’m out of sick days for 2020. It’s March. I don’t know if I deserve a medal or a doctor. It’s obviously impressive but also concerning. I can’t be as careless as I once was. Trust no one. I ordered Girl Scout Cookies but there’s no way I’m accepting. Never trust a G-scout. You will not be earning your Corona badge from me. Unless it’s samoas. Risk it all for samoas.
While I do advise avoiding dangerous Girl Scouts, there are some people you have to see. I had a friend from LA visit me in New York because she wanted to “experience Jaywalking”—because that’s all we do here. We hit the Jay no doubt but that didn’t help the fact that I let someone from NEWARK into my Corona-free zone. Yikes. Luckily, she’s an astrology-queen and told me that Mercury is in retrograde and water elements are getting affected the hardest because it’s in the water sign of Pisces but will be done by next week! So, I guess we’re going to be fine? To anyone I’ve wronged recently, please note that Pisces is in the water or whatever and I’m a cancer so please be understanding at this time. LA people are just the best.
If you’re still panicking about Coronavirus even after my comforting article, I totally get it. But, have you tried CBD? Just kidding. I don’t know the cure but we’re all in this together. They said it best in High School Musical 3. This too shall pass, so don’t let it get you down. Just make sure to never high-five your co-workers. Ever. And wash your damn hands. I’ll leave you with a tip a wise woman once told me. You must wash your hands for twenty seconds. Use the Happy Birthday song for proper timing. However, the typical HBD tune can get boring so it’s suggested to use the Stevie Wonder version. Please note, Stevie’s Motown version is only seventeen seconds so it is highly recommended to count it down with a spunky “3,2,1” with the water running to be considered effective, and jazzy, by the CDC.