Real Housewives of the RNC: A Convention Recap Just For You

By: Ali Benz

The 2020 Republican National Convention was quite the show. I kept thinking I was watching interviews from Real Housewives of Beverly Hills but turns out it was just C-Span. There’s a lot to unravel here but keep reading if you want to ruin your day.

Let’s kick it off with Cissie Graham Lynch. Yikes. With a name like that, dare I even say more? She looks exactly like my American girl doll, Amanda, except luckily Amanda doesn’t speak. Cissie, on the other hand, knew all the right things to say to make the LGBTQ community hate her. Congrats, Lynch, you played yourself. This robot lady went on about how Democrats pressured boys to use girls’ locker rooms and participate in girls’ sports. She then said the Dems will force us to choose between God and Caesar. Tough choice. Both great guys.

Don’t get me started on Abby Johnson. I didn’t think someone could top Cissie Graham, but Johnson was out for blood. Literally. This anti-abortion activist came in hot. Abby J called Planned Parenthood racist and then went on to say abortion has a smell. She told her dramatic conversion story but all I could think about was the scent of abortion. No offense, Abz, but doesn’t everything have a smell? I’m sure you have a smell. Unless you have corona—then you can’t taste or smell. Wear a mask.

How much molly did Kimberly Guilfoyle take before her speech? She legit did not blink once. Kimmy’s passionate screaming could win championships. All I could think about was how Saturday Night Live’s Cecily Strong could’ve single-handedly created this character. When Guilfoyle started chanting, “The best is yet to come,” I got major Hunger Games vibes. Somebody is going to die. I’m scared, Kim. Drink some water, please. I hope her come-down isn’t too bad today.

Maybe Nick Sandmann brought her some drugs from his frat. Good thing schools are cancelled so this boy could show up to speak about cancel culture. Yes, being cancelled is toxic, but so is being brainwashed. I feel bad for this guy. All he has is his MAGA hat to hide from his haters. It’s going to be a rough few years, buddy. Maybe Tiffany Trump will at least take you to the Bahamas for spring break.

Tiff seemed like she just stumbled off a yacht blackout in the Hamptons to get some screen time. She was giving me Marilyn Monroe meets Lindsay Lohan vibes—and I mean that in the scariest way possible. She was wearing more eyeshadow than a middle school girl that just discovered Sephora with her dad’s credit card. Don’t you people have stylists? Anyway, Tiff, congrats on somehow blackmailing Ivanka into giving you her spot at the podium. Way to make Daddy proud. Maybe you won’t have to make an OnlyFans account after all.

Quick shout out to Mike Pence against various green screens. Mike, you handsome devil, what on earth did I just witness? All those expensive testimonials, couldn’t you at least have pretended to be interested? Also, stop referring to Lincoln’s house as his “boyhood home.” Just call it his childhood home, Mike, you’re freaking me out.

Not as freaked out as Donald must’ve been, though, when poor Eric got to the mic. Jesus, Eric, couldn’t you have just put it in a letter? Don neglects his son so much that he had to use his time as a cry for help, screaming to his dad through national television. Tragic. Can someone just give this man a hug?

Melania? Is that you? After Eric begged for Daddy’s approval for twenty minutes, Big Mel closed out the show. Honestly, Melania’s speech was the most natural and educated and that’s saying a lot. She even touched on the dangers of COVID-19. Her “Be Best” campaign has done nothing for me, but I’ve got to give this lady some credit. She came out looking military chic and didn’t miss a beat. She was being best af.

I’m not sure what I just watched or how to feel. I was happy to see all those women being honored and praised in the White House, but they seemed like something programmed out of Westworld. Can someone call Barron? We need answers. I cannot wait for Barron’s tell all to come out. For now, swipe up for ten percent off Melania’s Alexander McQueen drip and subscribe to Tiffany Trump’s GoFundMe for a makeup artist that doesn’t hate her.

An Accurate Debate Recap

By: Ali Benz

I can’t take these presidential debates seriously. After anyone speaks I think it will be followed by, “And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night Live!” I’m not sure if I should blame Alec Baldwin or my extreme A.D.D., but I must say these events are more than political. They are mildly entertaining. It’s important to tune in and vote so you can make a difference and all that, but it’s also V important to take note of all the ridiculousness that was the democratic presidential debate. Don’t get me wrong—there were some great arguments and strong competitors on the stage. I just find it a bit hard to focus on policies and numbers while Bill de Blasio is screaming at me through my TV.

Let’s start with Joe Biden (because he’d be offended if we didn’t). Is he like, super close with Obama or something? I couldn’t tell. We get it Joe, you were VP. Get over it. He reminds me of the quarter back of your high school football team that won’t move on. That’s cool, Biden, you were hot in 2009 but it’s time to get a real job. This washed up prom king won’t give it a rest. I get that some people are super into the Affordable Care Act and all, but will it protect women from Joe? Kirsten Gillibrand threw a dagger when she brought up the former VP’s argument that “women working outside the home would ‘create the deterioration of family.’” Really, JB? This is why we can’t have old people in office. They are not up with the times and they don’t send good memes.

Gillibrand’s attack on Biden was what made me want to learn more about her. For some reason her name is Kirsten, not Kristen, and I think that’s super trendy. Every time she spoke I thought she was giving the sermon at my Bat Mitzvah. I was so close to inviting her to light candle number two. Truthfully, I’m not sure where I stand on healthcare, but Kirsty stands with Bernie on Medicare for all and I love that for her. Last week I had to drop 1k on an EpiPen because I’m “allergic to dust.” Everyone’s f*cking allergic to dust. It’s dust. Anyway, whatever plan is going to make sure that never happens again is fine by me. I could’ve been in Mykonos but instead my money is going to a pen I don’t know how to use for a fake allergy.

Speaking of money, did Andrew Yang just offer to give me one thousand dollars per month? Yes, please. That means 12k a year aka one EpiPen and eleven months in Europe. Sign me up for the Yang Gang. TBH there’s no chance this legend will win, but he still has my full support. Every time he finished speaking I swore he was going to drop a promo for his comedy special. He really brought the energy, and for that, I’m in.

Michael Bennet did the opposite. This man was sleepier than Ben Carson. Wake up, buddy. I’m sure he had some solid points but I really wasn’t engaged. I would get engaged to Julián Castro, though. Is anyone else sexually attracted to this man? Politics, but make it fashion. His hair, his tie, his voice? Jules was the full package. If this president thing doesn’t work out he definitely has a future as the next Bachelor. Someone call Chris Harrison.

I didn’t realize that Cory Booker wasn’t Vin Diesel until about half-way through, but he crushed it nonetheless. He went head to head with Biden and didn’t back down. While their showdown did teach me a lot about immigration policies and how Joe is stuck in the past, I also received other vital information. I had no idea you could say “sh*thole” on national television. Thanks, Cory! It’s safe to say Booker is now the political king of clout. After his “dipping into the Koolaid” comment, the Koolaid man actually tweeted at him and I think that’s a beautiful thing. The most famous person that ever tweeted me was Jake, from State Farm.

Throughout the entire, cringe-worthy debate, I looked at Kamala Harris as a light. She reminds me of literally every “cool” guidance counselor in any ABC Family show ever. The one that goes above and beyond for the students and gives them motivational speeches to “try harder.” Miss Hawaii obviously thought differently. She annihilated Harris and basically called her a hypocritical pothead in front of all of America. I see you Tulsi. Makes sense though. Might as well leave it all on the field on your last day.

Who knows who we’ll be seeing in September. All I know is that Bernie Sanders is having a Hot Girl Summer and that’s all that matters. He’s backed by Cardi B and the B is for the Bern. It all makes sense now. I just hope the Republican debate is as lit as the Dem’s was. It’s a relief to finally see some good TV after watching Luke P. cry all summer. Tragic.

Sexy Ruth Bader Ginsburg

By: Ali Benz

Halloween is amazing. The costumes get crazier and more confusing every year. For example, last night, I met a black man wearing a sweet George Washington costume. Naturally, I asked him if he was George Washington Carver. He said, “No! I’m Ric Flair (b*tch)!” Then I jumped off a bridge. Just kidding. I’m not racist, just an idiot. I’m not even sure who GW-Carver is but I’m sure he’s a lovely guy. We then preceded to get a ~ spooky ~ drink together and he followed me on Instagram and I’m buying his mixtape. All’s well that ends well!

I just love how it’s socially acceptable to dress up like an idiot, consume your weight in chocolate, and black-out on a Wednesday all because of this random holiday. I mean, to me, that’s just another day in the life, but it’s great to see the community getting involved.

I’ve never actually planned a Halloween costume. I have no idea how you psychopaths do that. My method is to throw on all black (shocker), douse myself in paint, find the nearest headgear, and call it a day. Then, you go out and whenever someone asks who you are, you obnoxiously say “What does it look like I am?” However they respond is now what you are. Basically, that’s how you become a skeleton, pirate, cannibal, and sexy pumpkin all in one night. That’s just showbiz, baby.

Lucky for me, my Italian hair-dresser saved the day. She legit stuffed one of her black smocks (smock is a weird word) into my bag and said: “Here, have a cape.” Sexy witch, here I come. Stylist Deb doing G-d’s work—I love it. Clearly, her selfless act did not go unnoticed. I caught the attention of a guy dressed as a sexy cop. He asked for my full name, address, birthday—and then I realized he was indeed not in costume at all and I was indeed receiving a fat fine for public intoxication. Stupid hot narc.

Bottom line, Halloween is the best holiday of the year. A bunch of weirdos running around half-naked or covered in blood—you never know what you’re going to get. Also, holiday-hack: if you’re a girl in your twenties and put on a mask and channel the voice of a small boy, you will never have to stop trick-or-treating. I don’t do that, I just heard one of my friends did it. And I was there. Don’t judge me. I have no idea where else to get 100 Grand bars without knocking on a stranger’s door disguised as a ninja turtle. Gender roles, am I right?

Super depressing that it’s over, but at least it’s about to get worse. All your slutty pics are about to surface and literally ruin your life. Bad weekend to be a school teacher. The best is coming into the office after all your ~ spooky ~ activities. All the Karens and Toms ask you what you did and you tell them “nothing special,” as if three hours ago you weren’t funneling handles of Fireball dressed as a sexy Ruth Bader Ginsburg and vomiting into a pumpkin. Life experiences are everything. Happy Halloween!